It was horrible. Here I was, a mom with a tiny baby and a three year old, and I had just been slapped in the face with a devastating reality ~ although doctors have good intentions, there's this big ugly monster controlling the entire healthcare industry called 'money' and no matter how many natural cures there are out there it doesn't matter because those cures are not money makers. For the first time I realized that I have to be my family's number one researcher and advocate. I also learned something about myself: once I learn something, it can't be unlearned. I couldn't go back to the way I was before...
I began reading and learning as much as I could about 'natural' stuff. It's definitely been an evolution, but over the last 6 years I've changed the way I clean our home and the way I eat (no, I'm NOT a vegetarian despite the fact that most people link 'healthy' with being a vegetarian.) There are so many things I do that are not conventional, but to list them I would have to really think. These changes have become my lifestyle. Maybe I'll try to remember to list them and post about them later.
The best advice I got during my depression at the beginning of my journey was to change a few things at a time. It was overwhelming to realize everything I was doing was wrong, but by taking baby steps I've transitioned to what I think is a pretty healthy way of life. I've also realized that not everyone is interested in what I've learned and most people will look at me like I have a third eye when I try to share with them. I am so thankful for my sister. We're on the same page about pretty much everything and it's so fun to compare notes and help each other learn about this passion we share.
I would like to share a poem I wrote a few weeks after we got home from that vacation I talked about earlier. I was a shell of a person. I remember big R telling me I was going to have to snap out of it. After all, I did have a family to take care of. Funny thing was, that was the main reason I was so depressed. I wanted so badly to do what was right for these people I loved so much, but everything I was doing was so wrong.
The kids and I were outside on the front deck. I had been praying that God would give me renewed hope, that everything would be o.k. I prayed for the depression to go away. As we were sitting on the deck, a storm cloud was building. We're a farm family and we love watching storm clouds; as we were watching this one, the most beautiful rainbow appeared before us. I couldn't believe it and just like that, gone...the depression was gone. I jumped up, ran into the house, grabbed a pen and my notebook and, smiling the whole time, wrote this poem:
Today I saw a miracle
and that I can't deny.
My God keeps his promises
and my God does not lie.
The day began so dark and drab
and a sadness filled my heart.
But I have faith and I knew with faith
I could have a brand new start.
The clouds they built and the thunder clapped
as the cool winds blew,
And in my heart the sun began to peak through.
For in the sky a rainbow began
to show a tiny yellow, pink and blue.
God's promise that he will care for us
without a doubt I knew.
Thank you God for loving me and caring for me too.
My faith in you has grown today
through a rainbow's colored hue.
