This Side of Heaven ~

The post I had planned for today will have to wait. I have other thoughts I need to get out there...

Yesterday evening I got a text from a friend telling me I needed to check Facebook. Almost instantly after opening the app my heart sank. One of K's sweet little friend's mom, who was 7 months along in her pregnancy with a little girl they had already named Ally, had posted the worst news that a mommy can post. The baby's heart had stopped beating.

I wanted more than anything to jump in my car and go to them. Hug the family. Pray with the family. Most of all let them know I was there for them. I wanted them to know my regrets of not dressing my baby before they took her away from me and not taking more pictures with a really good camera. Whenever I hear of a family losing a baby, my heart breaks a little, but when it's someone I know personally, someone I see on a daily basis, I feel the need to do more.

The death of a baby is something that each family deals with differently. I cried for months; some moms don't. Some families can accept it knowing it's God's will for them and move on pretty quickly; not me, I questioned our fate, I asked "why." I knew God had a plan; I believed in His love for our family, but I still wanted to know why.

Now that we are 12 years removed from our grief, I look at the two other children we have been blessed with and know His plan is perfect, but in the first raw moments off loss the days looked pretty dark. I remember thinking I was going to have to live out the rest of my days missing my baby girl. I was not looking forward to this. I didn't want to leave the hospital because that meant leaving her behind although I knew she wasn't really there. I didn't have other children to go home to at the time. Our home and our arms were empty. I really didn't know how I would make it that long without seeing her again or holding her in my arms. Then there came a day when I could actually thank God for the experience. I'm anticipating a beautiful reunion one of these days and besides seeing Jesus face to face, the thought of seeing Christen is something I'm so looking forward to.

I think of her everyday. I miss her everyday. I wonder what she looks like. I wonder what her voice sounds like. I wonder if she likes to sing like me.

Here is K with Ally's big sister. Who knew 3 months ago that these two girls would share a heavenly bond.
I've talked with K and told her that L would be very sad and that she needs to give her a hug the next time she sees her. I'm hoping that when the time comes these two friends can talk about how they both have sweet sisters playing in Heaven.

There are so many things that happen here on earth that we do not understand. There are questions that will never be answered this side of Heaven. My heart knows that our heavenly Father's plan is perfect and by the time we get to where we're going and can ask the hard questions, the answers won't matter anymore...

July Wrap-up ~

Yes, I'm wrapping up the month of July in the middle of August. And Yes, I haven't blogged in almost a month. Everyday I feel a gravitational pull towards my laptop, but never seem to find the time to actually sit down. We've been busy over the last several weeks and now that the first day of school is breathing down my neck, I'm starting to feel that all familiar urgency/panic that I feel this time every year. Is it just me or can you literally feel a surge of energy or some kind of momentum pulling us into September. It almost feels like a snowball rolling down a hill and I'm stuck in the middle; you know like in those cartoons where all you can see are the arms and legs sticking out. Anyway, in an attempt to slow down a bit and savor every last morsel of summer I thought I would recap what we've been up to the last few weeks...

We've helped Daddy on the farm, watched the cotton grow and prayed for rain...

We spent a fabulous yet exhausting week at VBS (I was suffering from a sinus thing and thought about throwing in the towel many times during this week, but somehow I just couldn't not be there.)

We've played Play-Do. This is K's creation...

And R worked on this masterpiece.

We spent 5 glorious days at the lake. K learned to knee board and ski, R learned to ski and wakeboard; he even started jumping the wakes ~ pretty awesome! We also logged many boat hours pulling the tube around and around and around. K is one little dare devil and once we convinced her there were no sharks in the lake, she was unstoppable. :)

This is what we look like after a day on the water. I know ~ scary.

We came home from the lake on Christen's birthday, so we made our trip to the cemetery the next day. K went with me to buy flowers. She picked out some funky zebra striped daisies that I'm pretty sure her sister would think were totally cool.

So, that's it...July in a nutshell. 

I'm working on a blogging schedule. Still haven't put anything in writing yet, partially because I don't know if I want to limit myself to certain things I have to post on certain days. So far I like my "fly by the seat of my pants" kinda blog, but I feel like if I had a schedule more thoughts would get recorded. Anyway, just a thought. Hopefully you'll hear from me before the end of August. :)

Blessings ~

It's Going to be OK ~

"For I know the plans I have for you"
declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

It would have been easy to sleep in this morning. Actually I did sleep in ~ until 8:30. We stayed up pretty late Saturday night and that was going to be my excuse to not make it to church this morning. So when R asked me if we were going, I was a little surprised when I jumped up and said, "Yes!" Of course we missed Sunday school, didn't have time to eat breakfast and both kiddos were upset they missed getting to eat a little breakfast in the fellowship hall right before church. Brother Jimmy was a lifesaver when he showed us where the donuts were in the youth room. We finally all settled in the sanctuary for the message...

Acts 16:23-33
Paul and Silas had been severely flogged and their feet fastened in the stocks, yet they were still able to sing hymns and pray to God. The other prisoners were listening to them. I wonder what the other prisoners thought about these two men who had just been beaten and placed in a situation where there was no hope of release singing praises to their one true God?

Brother Jimmy went on to say that regardless of what our future holds, everything is going to be ok. When I heard these words this morning, I was taken back to a hot summer day almost 12 years ago. I was 40 weeks pregnant and R and I had just received the terrible news from our doctor that our baby's heart was not beating. I remember sitting in the suburban in the parking lot of St. Mary's hospital making that dreaded phone call to my family. I remember the moment, but I don't. I remember walking into the hospital, but really it was more like floating. I remember a nurse, taking a break I guess, standing outside the door of the hospital. But most of all I remember what I said when my dad walked into the hospital room. Everyone had tear stains on their faces, but I looked right at him and said, "It's going to be ok." Honestly I don't know where that came from. I'm pretty sure I wanted him to know that I was going to be ok. I'm always the one who fixes things, I'm the strong one. The last thing I needed was for everyone to worry that I was going to fall apart. So, in my darkest hour I was proclaiming that everything was going to be ok.

I know now that it was not my strength, but His. I know that He was right beside me in the doctor's office when we heard the news. He was not only with me on our way into the hospital, but he carried me in. He was also with me when I told my dad that everything was going to be ok. He is still with me today. I know that no matter what the future holds that my God is God and he holds me safe in His arms.

Thanks Brother Jimmy for a beautiful and powerful message this morning, but most of all thank you for taking me back to a day in my life that is proof that Jesus is real...and that's enough. :)

Always thinking of her ~

This is not the blog post I had planned for today. I've been trying to get back in blogging mode, but to be quite honest I just haven't felt like writing. It takes me a while after the holidays to get back in the swing of things. My house is finally back in order, and I'm the type that can't do anything creative if there are other things that need to be done first. I do consider my blog to be an aspect of my creative life. I love to pick just the right picture and edit it if need be. I love to pick the right words to get my feelings across and when things are out of order, my creative side hides. :) I'm slowly finding it, so last night when K came in wanting to read a poem she had written I had a funny feeling I might have just stumbled upon my next post.

Her class at school has been talking about and writing poems for the past few weeks, so she sat down and wrote this one last night ~

My dad, my dad I see him everyday.

My dad, my dad I love him everyday.

My mom, my mom I see her everyday.

My mom, my mom I love her everyday.

My brother, my brother I see him everyday.

My brother, my brother I love him everyday.

My sister, my sister I see her in my heart.

My sister, my sister I love her with all my heart.

My heart literally melted as she was reading her sweet poem. I know she could see in my eyes how much I loved it. I scooped her up in a great big hug and told her so; then she asked me, "Do you think Sissy has curly hair or straight hair?" I told her I was pretty sure it was just like hers...

She would be 11...

I've had this blog post idea swirling around in my head for over a week now. On the morning of Sept. 12th I was listening to the radio and the DJs were talking about the 9-11 memorials. They were asking their listeners (me) if there was anything in our lives that we memorialize year to year and how God has healed us over time.

I immediately thought of our sweet baby girl and the tradition we started 11 years ago.

Here we are at the cemetary on Christen's 1st Birthday

R worked so hard in that little plot of dirt. We planted trees and spread lava rock and rejoiced in the miracle of life. In the midst of our sorrow, God had blessed us with hope for the future ~ Christen would soon have a baby brother.

July 26, 2002

This was the picture that started the tradition. I really had not set out to do this every year. It's just something that happened. Instead of blowing out the candles and singing, "Happy Birthday" we sat as a little family smiling...for we were blessed.

July 26, 2003

July 26, 2004

July 26th, 2004; now this was a special day. Just about two hours before heading out for our traditional birthday picture I found out that R was going to be a big brother. I cannot tell you how it made my heart sing to find out this wonderful news on Christen's 4th birthday. Once again...blessings.

July 26, 2005

Look at those sweet little faces. So happy to be able to share this day with our sweet babies.

July 26, 2006

I remember as a child feeling very uncomfortable going to cemetaries. It's always amazes me that my kids are totally fine with it. They've grown up knowing this is where we go to celebrate their sister's birthday. They run around looking at headstones. Now that they're older they like to read them. They fix the flowers that have fallen out of vases. They are especially interested in the smaller headstones...

July 26, 2007

I love these pics from 2007. I wish I could go back and hug those little people that have grown so much over the last few years.

July 26, 2008

K's 4 and R's 7 and we're smack dab in the middle of summer baseball, but we make the drive south to the cemetary to take flowers and a picture. Our little family is growing and K talks about her sister as if she's right there with us. I love how this little girl, who was born almost 5 years after we said good-bye to her sister, keeps her alive in her heart.

July 26, 2009

K went with me this year to pick out the flowers. She loved the butterflies and helped me arrange the vases.

July 26, 2010

This picture almost didn't happen. My camera had just enough battery to take one picture. Thank you God for this one picture.

July 26, 2011

Here we are this year. I love these pictures. I love how the kids are posing behind Christen's headstone. I love how, in their hearts, they know they will see her someday and the cold stone that makes her real today will be replaced with loving arms.

This is our memorial. This is proof that God is a God of hope. We will keep going every year and we will keep remembering what God has brought us through.

We love you sweet girl...